Whereas upon thorough perusal of my state of mind and the prevailing conditions which include, among other things, availability of a better- hotter girl; late realization of incompatibility; a former crush evincing some interest; imminent dwindling interest in the relationship; and/or without any plausible reason, I solemnly declare our relationship dissolved with immediate effect. You will be hereinafter referred to as the second party in the document.
This document, by its nature, content, and intent, is informatory and thus does not require attestation of the second party whatsoever. The onus of nervous breakdown; tendency to smash crockeries and things that are brittle, inexpensive and handy; disturbance created in the neighborhood due to a loud cry, shriek, and wail; and the liabilities and damages arising therefrom, lie with the second party. I shall not be held responsible for any legal, lethal or physical actions resulting from the second party’s inability to cope up or bear with the fact.
However, the following declarations shall be binding on me, the breach of which may be penalized- the maximum penalty, being accusations of frivolity over a text message or an electronic mail while ensuring that the words used in the act of accusation are parliamentary, and not harsh. It is in the larger interest of either of parties that such ugly situations do not arise. And to this end, both the parties shall strive.
The following declarations- eight in number, and arranged in no order of importance, or whatsoever- I make in a stable and conscious mind, without any intimidation, but certainly influenced by one/some/all aforementioned condition(s).
I solemnly declare and agree-
1. All promises made during the ‘courtship’ and while in relationship stand nullified. The second party cannot plead for breach of promise and/or trust. The aforementioned clause of “accusation of frivolity” holds good in this case.
2. Unless there be any financial transactions either in the form of cash, financial instruments or Mutual Fund bonds which may be sorted out agreeably and amiably, material things namely gifts would be retained by the last user of the item.
3. I shall not stalk the second party of her movements, activities, and life in the general hereafter. The second party may commit to this declaration in equal seriousness.
4. I shall not speak ill of the second party, nor tolerate a third party committing the act. If not a broken nose, at least a red cheek will characterize the third party if he does so. The second party may adopt a similar approach, though it is hardly binding.
5. In the event of a face to face encounter, I shall behave as normally as a civilized man behaves with another who he knows. It is to be borne in mind that a third party should not derive any mileage or incorrect and indecent conclusions from my behavior. The second party is advised to behave similarly.
6. It shall not be binding on me to inform the second party of any development in the romance sphere. And be it noted, if I do so, the intent is bereft of any malice.
7. While all attempts would be made to ensure that the rites of passage go smoothly, the same cannot be guaranteed, should there be situations beyond my control, or if so I conceive of the situations.
8. I shall delete all the cheesy and pertinent text messages from my cell phone, and advise the second party follow a similar suit.